Lion piece of shit

Dear Cannes Jury, are you high?

For a jury, picking a winner is the easy part. You watch a case study, you take your checklist, and you fill in your scores.
Brilliant solution to an important problem? Check!
Flawless execution? Check!
Impressive results? Check!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

The hard part is figuring out if the case movie is full of shit. It’s a sanity check. Did this actually happen? Now, I know it’s hot, so I’ll be brief.

This is my top 3 ‘Lion Pieces of Shit’:
(Cases that have won a Grand Prix, but should have been flushed down the toilet)

The Bronze Lion Piece of Shit goes to: the Lucky Iron Fish debacle (Watch the case here). You probably heard of this one. The case was sent in by some agency. The jury awarded them with a Grand Prix. Then, it turned out that it wasn’t their idea. Also, half the country had already been using ‘their solution’ for years. They stole the idea. They lied. They should be banned from the Cannes Lions Festival for life.

(Speaking of fish, be thankful I’m letting you  off the hook  for awarding this monstrosity (‘FIN-formation? FIN-tertainment? Really?!)

The Silver Lion Piece of Shit goes to: Vodafone Red Light App.

Cool idea. Great story. But this case falls apart when we look at the claimed effectiveness. Direct quote from the case ‘study’: “254,000 women downloaded the app! That’s 24% of all women with smart phones in Turkey!”

Actually, that’s a big lie. Close to 16 million Turkish women have smart phones (the CIA has all the numbers for you). So instead of reaching a whopping 24%, it’s closer to 1,6%.  But who’s counting? 24% just sounds so much better. Here’s your Grand Prix. See you at the bar.

And the winner is…

The Gold Lion Piece of Shit goes to: Always Mexico – intimate words.

This case is a real Lion Piece of Shit because it claims to prevent thousands of Mexican women from getting cervical cancer. And that is a big lie. Here’s why. The case is about preventing cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is called ‘the silent killer‘ because there are no symptoms, until it is too late. If there are no symptoms, talking about your private parts does not help. So learning new words also does not help. An annual routine check-up helps. By a doctor. Preferably a doctor that already knows all the plumbing vocabulary.

Dear Cannes Jury, please hire an intern that knows how to use Google.

Thank you.

PS Thank goodness you have also awarded works of genuine brilliance. Of course you get mad props forever for awarding gold to Marcel Dorcel’s Look-Mom-No-Hands-Porn-Thing. Indeed, a global problem with a brilliant solution. BTW: the two kiwis on a spoon trick works great. Thank you Marcel.

Alternative Text
Maarten Boer